Article By: Iyo_Embong

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” – Kahlil Gibran

The story is told about a 75 year old man who was sipping a glass of wine while seated at the porch with his wife. The man said: “I love you so much. I don’t know how I can live without you.” So thrilled, his wife asked him: “Is that you, dear, or is that the wine in you that is talking?” Whereupon the husband replied: “It’s me, dear, talking to the wine I am sipping.”

What is true love? Can we discern between true love and neediness? Have you ever really explored your own romantic love? And do you use the word “love” too freely?

We have asked these questions about the nature of love for centuries, but love is a slippery thing to catch hold of and describe, and, when we finally have it in our mind’s grasp, it’s possible that we aren’t at all comfortable with the answers. So, because love is vague, and because we might fear what the answer will mean for our relationships, let’s first talk about what love is not. Then, what remains might be love.

Some things that love is not. We know that romantic love is not selfish. No one will disagree with this, because when we are selfish we care only for our own needs and desires. This cannot be love of another, because there is no other occupying that selfish space. Actually, when we think of everything that love is not, we can see that they are all deeply rooted in this selfishness.

Selfish relationships lead to power struggles. Each partner wants to satisfy their needs, so they struggle. Soon, one of them is victorious over the other, and then we have a relationship of dominance and submission. This is definitely not love. In the midst of this selfish drama, we act out all the anger that is in us, backed by our weakness and fears. We want to possess what we need, and so we will defend our possessions. Selfishness, possession, dominance, submission, and anger – they are everything that love is not.

So true love must be…

If we exclude everything that is not love, what are we left with? Well, if we say that selfishness is the root of all that love isn’t, then we must feel that the root of love is the opposite of selfishness. The core of true love then must be – giving. And if love is giving, it must mean that love gives equally to the beloved and to the lover. For if there is no selfishness in love, there cannot even be projections of selfishness. We cannot for instance, satisfy our need for self-denigration, by giving to another who will then selfishly take from us.

In a true love relationship, our giving and receiving is not at all needy. It is based on a genuine connection and appreciation of who our beloved, and we, really are. When we are truly in love, we do not have that feeling that we are a vacuum, sucking this person in to fill the void within us. We feel complete with or without the other. We are attracted because their very being resonates through us. We know somehow that we are similar, and yet, there is this mysterious gulf between us; a space that calls us to explore; a place to build and dream within.

How to tell if your relationship is true love? In a real love relationship, you connect to the core of your partner. You see through all of the masks and armor they wear as if through water. Somehow, you sense their essence – the beauty that resides at the core of their soul. They may often act contrary to this essence, but because you are connected, you see it regardless, and it attracts you.

This is the beginning of love, because you establish it on a mutual core of goodness that you both share and honor. Because you are attracted to this inner beauty that you see in your partner, you want to explore it. You want your partner to experience more of it as well, because you know it is their essence, and you know in your heart that it is good. Even if true love is absent from your present relationship, perhaps it can still be found. Every moment is an opportunity to decide on loving truly.

In the book of John we hear of the crowd of people looking for Jesus. Was it Jesus they were looking for, or the benefits they could get from Him? In other words, were they looking for Jesus as the Bread of Life, or were they simply looking for more bread after their experience of the multiplication of the loaves and fish?

Let us ask ourselves about the quality of our personal relationship with others and with the Lord. Do we see God as some kind of a godfather who provides, or an aspirin that banishes our headaches? Is He our God just because of the things He does for us? Consequently, is He no longer our God when He does not do what we ask from Him? May our personal relationship and with God be something that is really heartfelt and personal, and not just based on the functional or beneficial.

How many times have we used the word love in vain? How many times have we carried out our personal interest and agenda in love’s name? How many times have we focused on the perks and benefits of our work to the neglect of sacrifice and commitment?

Look beyond the temporary and the perishable. As we go about our daily lives, may we not lose sight of the “big picture” of who we are, and what we are meant to be. Let us not forget that there are many important things that cannot be measured, quantified, by worldly measures and standards.

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future. Let us continue to be open toward real and true loving. Elevate others. Discipline yourself. Act justly. Love mercy and walk humbly. It takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.

Article By: Iyo_Embong